An “It’s FINE” disclaimer/follow up

1. My mom wants everyone to know that she is NOT a hoarder (but I believe the evidence points to a different conclusion).

2. She also had to ask who MacGyver was. BTW, did you know that his first name is actually Angus? Neither did I.

3. She also doesn’t know who Tom Petty is. Just sayin.

4. Andrew said the only reason he ate that caramel walnut bar was because he was drunk.

5. I am STILL waiting for Ryan Seacrest’s phone call. The Kardashians are falling apart; it’s time for a new reality family.  

6. Love you, Mom! And thanks for always reading our blog. $10 says you still have this outfit.

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It’s FINE!

My mom is kind of a hoarder. You wouldn’t really know it by looking at her, or being in my parent’s house- there aren’t mazes of old newspapers, or crap everywhere, but beware if you decide to open a drawer…

You may find an Rx label from 2001:

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Or, a mini plastic plate that apparently came from an airplane (Why, oh WHY would you keep such a thing?!?!)

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Once, if you can even believe it, we were cleaning out a closet and found an old skirt that ought to be given away. For fun, Julie tried it on (well, not really for fun. More because my mom did not want to get rid of it since it was made from “good wool!”) While modeling  said skirt, she stuck her hands in the pockets and brought out….A PACIFIER. Fo’ realz, people. I cannot make this stuff up.

She knows where everything is, and always has a gizmo to MacGyver something if necessary. Like, if you need a gigantic industrial twist tie, or one of those plastic straw things that comes in new shoes or a drop cloth. She will have it.

Unfortunately, she also kind of does this with food. Sometimes, the leftovers just aren’t going to get eaten. One time, she cleaned and cooked some broccoli that was INFESTED with bugs. Seriously, I am not kidding. “It’s fine girls, really. I cleaned it up!”  

So, last week when she and I were at the farmer’s market and she wanted to buy one of these Chicken of the Woods mushrooms, I became slightly concerned that the hoarding was actually just a good way for her to hide the fact that she was trying to poison all of us.

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Turns out, they are legit and actually pretty tasty. We sauteed ours with onions, garlic & olive oil. They would be good over rice, pasta, on a crostini, or just as a side .  

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They were fine, since I am still alive, as is Andrew, who ate a 2 week old caramel walnut bar from the BonBonerie that my mom couldn’t throw away. The cycle continues.

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DIY Disaster: Or Why My Father-In-Law is the Coolest

Reason #1: This photo happened. Andrew’s dad is learning photoshop, which is pretty cool by itself. But he’s basically learning photoshop so he can do ridiculous shit like this, and it’s totally on the level.

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Reason #2: If you read this post, you know all about the outlandish number of home improvement projects we have going on right now. The one that actually has an expiration date is the garage, and its desperate need for re-siding…and gutters, which needs to be complete before winter sets in (winter is coming). A couple of weeks ago, Andrew and I decided we were finally going to do a garage make-over. We were super confident that the pressure washer that we borrowed would get all the cracked and damaged paint off of the siding and we’d be able to re-prime and paint everything without issue. We were wrong (who’s surprised?). The pressure washer we borrowed did NOT work.

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Still overly confident, we borrowed a different pressure washer from a different friend which basically ruined everything. It fluctuated between not working at all and really effing everything up. We had it start to damage the wood siding because it was too much pressure. Bonus: it did happen to remove paint. Damn you, Bob Vila and your You Tube videos that make everything look so easy.

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Once the pressure washing idea was abandoned, Andrew and I went to Lowe’s to see what our other options were. We discovered chemicals. Those didn’t really work either. I spent 3 sweaty hours one day making my garage uglier and huffing chemicals.

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After that failure, we decided that our last option was to re-side the garage. We were trying to avoid this because it’s more expensive than painting and neither one of us has ever sided anything. That’s where the FIL comes in. Andrew has the week off before he starts a new job(!!!!), and his dad offered to fly in from Seattle to help with the garage. He brought his own hammer, some Knotts Berry Jam, the above photoshop glory, and some knowledge (also based on You Tube videos). I’m so excited to come home everyday to see the progress. This is what happened today:

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More to come! 

Why Doesn’t my Family have a Reality Show?

As an avid watcher of reality TV (I know, it’s SO BAD, but I just can’t help myself!) I can’t figure out how to contact Ryan Seacrest to get him to sign my family  up for a reality show a la the Kardashians. My booty is almost as big as Kim’s, but I would never name my baby North West (that’s for a whole other blog post).

My family is pretty awesome. And often funny without meaning to be. Take, for example, my dear old dad. He’s a pretty smart guy- runs his own business (which he could never do without my mom), knows a lot about why your body does what it does (he was a health minor), is REALLY good at networking, buying cars and giving advice. Even though he was the chair of the technology committee for an industry organization for a number of years, he has NO IDEA how to work a computer, signs his texts with his name and don’t even get me started about how long it takes him to type a sentence (where the F*** is the “M”!!??). Come to think of it, maybe all of this is just a ploy to get me to do it for him- he’s also a really good delegator.  When I was a kid, sometimes he would say, “Kris, I’ll give you $20 if you go upstairs and get my phone charger”. Ummm, ok Dad, sure. And I would have probably done it for $1.

Anyway, we got my dad an IPhone 5 for Father’s day. Actually, he bought it himself  –  Julie & I just went and did all the legwork at Verizon (there’s that delegator again).  Did I mention that my dad has like 4,000 contacts?? Yeah. For real. So, he’s been learning how to use it, which is always fun because he’s so tech savvy. My brother in law, who is very tech savvy, taught him how to use Siri. He was so excited. He wanted to show us all how well he could do it at dinner one Sunday night. He asked Siri to “call Dan Horn”. This is what happened:

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The best part was the look on my Dad’s face when Siri said vagina’s out loud. I laughed until my belly hurt. Seriously wish that I had that on video for you all. Ryan Seacrest, I know you’re reading, if you had signed us, it would be on video! Call me! And don’t worry, readers. This will be a regular series.